A Girl named Steve
By Lynnell Stephani Long

Years ago I would not have had the courage to tell my story. I was too ashamed to tell anyone else my "secret"; or the family’s secret. Thanks to Cheryl Chase, and other Intersex people that had the courage to tell their story, I too have found the courage to tell mine.

I was born June 11, 1963 at Cook County Hospital in Chicago. I found out 37 years after my birth that I was born with severe hypospadias, and a bi-fid scrotum. Surgery was performed at birth, leaving me with a micropenis, undescended testes, and my labia was fused to form an empty scrotum. After a couple of days in the hospital my parents were able to take home their baby "boy".

Throughout my childhood I had numerous urinary tract infections because of the surgery to move my urethra from the base of the penis to the top. For years I would get a burning sensation in the middle of the penis after urination. This occurred even before I started having sexual intercourse. My endocrinologist at the time concluded that I had an infection of some type, but it was never explained to me where it originated.

From an early age I knew I was different than other boys. For one I was very effeminate, and was called a faggot from everyone in the neighborhood, including my own brothers. I always liked hanging out with girls. In fact I believe that I was a girl until my mother beat it out of me.

My childhood was as close to normal as possible, besides me jumping double dutch, playing with dolls, and sitting when I urinated.

At 14 while other boys in High School were beginning to mature to young men, my voice got higher, and I started growing breasts.

My mother took me back to the University of Chicago, where I was currently being treated for Growth Hormone Deficiency, Hypothyroidism, Panhypopituitarism, Hypoadrenalism, and Hypogonadism. The doctor said he was not surprised that I had gynecomastia because of my pituitary disorder. To me it concluded, what I believed all along, that I was indeed female.

My endocrinologist started me on testosterone injections to stop the breast growth, and help with the masculinization process.

I took male hormone injections for three years. My endocrinologist convinced me that I could be a "normal" male if I took male hormones; I didn’t want to be male, I wanted to be female. But no one asked me what I wanted.

It was also at the age of 14 that I was told by my endocrinologist that I was infertile and could never have kids. He told me this on a regular office visit, and never offered any kind of psychotherapy.

I went home that afternoon and attempted suicide.

From the age 8-24 I was a guinea pig for the University of Chicago Hospital. My endo was convinced that he could "fix" me, even if it killed me.

I was hospitalized every summer, for weeks at a time; for testing. I still have flashbacks of standing in front of the graph board, naked, while strangers walked in and out of the room.

I was awakened every morning in the hospital by my endo and what looked like every resident in the fuckin hospital, peeking under my gown.

I discontinued my visits to the hospital, and all medications, at the age of 24. I wanted to be normal, but I knew I wasn’t.

The next 10 years of my life was full of drinking and getting high trying to forget that I was different. I did have girlfriends in that time, and I even got married. I was convinced that a woman could make me a man. She didn’t, and I started using drugs even more; trying desperately to end my own life.

In 1993 I signed myself in the rehab, to get sober. Once again I was at the mercy of the medical profession. I hated it, but I hated abusing drugs and alcohol even more.

One of the questions I was asked during the initial interview was why did I get high. I told her, "to forget. To numb out. Because I’m gay".

It was the first time I had admitted that I was gay. For years I was attracted to men, sexually. But never acted on it. Even when my brother’s girlfriend brother hit on me I didn’t act on it. I was fascinated, but afraid of getting AIDS. This is when AIDS was a gay disease.

Six months sober I met a guy, and fell in love. He considered me his boyfriend, and since I was trying my best to live as male I went along with it.

Jeff was the best thing that ever happened to me. He knew I was "different" before I told him. The first time we had sex he asked me why my penis was so small, and why I didn’t have testes. I didn’t know what to tell him, I didn’t know at that time that I was Intersex, so I told him that I was a hermaphrodite. Little did I know that the lie I told him would turn out to be the truth.

He encouraged me to investigate my medical history, to learn the truth. I was too ashamed, and afraid what I might find out. Six months later I came out as a male-to-female transsexual. I wanted to express the woman I am, and this was the only way I knew how.

It wasn’t until I got sick in 1995 that I found out that I was Intersex. My endocrinologist asked a lot of questions, particularly about the scar that runs from the tip of my penis to my anus. I needed to trust someone; I knew I was going to try to kill myself again unless I was able to be the woman I am. I told him my story, and he listened.

After several tests he started me on a low dose of estrogen, and synthroid for my hypothyroidism.

I started researching my medical history in 1996 after buying a used computer to search the Internet. It wasn’t until I saw Cheryl Chase on television did I have a name for what was wrong with me. Since then Cheryl has been a great inspiration to me, and has encouraged me to be the best Intersex activist I can be.

Taking the estrogen helped my breasts to continue to grow, and my body to continue the feminization process. But I still had a scar that no one could explain to me.

What I learned from researching my medical records is that I was born a hermaphrodite. Since my karotype is XY (Normal Male) the doctors thought that I should be a male. I don’t know why no one at the University of Chicago did not test me for Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome. If they had tested for it they would know that the reason I was feminizing, and the reason the testosterone injections did not work is because I have Partial Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome.

Cheryl Chase, of the Intersex Society of North America, agrees that having Panhypopituitarism is an Intersex condition itself.

What that means is even though my body produces lower testosterone than a "normal" woman, and even though they injected me with Testosterone for years, my body is insensitive towards that androgen. Having Panhypopituitarism caused my body to ignore the androgen testosterone; which caused me to be born a pseudohermaphrodite at birth and begin the natural feminization process at puberty.

My mother died in 1996, just as I was starting my research. I did ask her was I born a hermaphrodite. She told me, before she died, that she was unaware of it. I believe her. For so many years the medical profession has looked at Intersex children as something they could fix. I’m sure they didn’t explain to her the complications from the surgery: Numerous urinary tract infections, and a sense that I was a girl for most of my childhood.

If a girl is born with an enlarged clitoris, doctors cut it off, or shave it. If a girl is born with a clitoris larger than 3cm they make her into a boy. In my case I was raised a boy. Surgery was performed to give me a normal "appearing" penis, so I could fit into this society as a normal boy. What no one noticed is that if you are a girl with a micropenis, and breasts, you are not a boy!

It was difficult taking showers in High School after gym. I was teased and ridiculed all four years.

There are other Intersex women like me with an XY chromosome. They were forced to have a vaginalplasty (sex change), and were raised as a girl.

No one wants to admit that they made a mistake, especially doctors. The Intersex Society of North America is working hard, along with Intersex activists, to end Intersex Genitalia Mutilation.

Change starts when those of us that are Intersex tell our story. Like I have just told mine.

If you want to help make a difference ISNA could use your help. Visit www.isna.org, and make a donation. Help end Intersex Genitalia Mutilation.